I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
