Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
