apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
