Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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