Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
