Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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