So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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