There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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