it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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