i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
