Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
