thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
