I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
