threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
