I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
