The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
