cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There's always time for handjobs
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
