I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i've created a new STD.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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