Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
