The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
