oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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