Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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