well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
