Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
