my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
