I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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