it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
