i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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