I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
