you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
