Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize