you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She's the barista slut.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
