I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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