Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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