you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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