he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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