i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize