I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
