maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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