mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
