sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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