you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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