he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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