i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
