He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
