She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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