I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
