open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
