If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
