he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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