the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
