Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
