last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
