New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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