If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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