Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just googled if crying burns calories
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
