So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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