Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize